I have started on making an effort to change the things I am not happy with. Get a job to supliment money while i try to make a go of art. So I got out and put in alot of job apps. Exercised. Dreamed of things I would like to do with my horse.....
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The interesting thing about setting a intention is that the world often trys to coperate with you in seeing it though.
I stayed home from Sunday Fellowship to get started on the mess of Laundry and dishes that was overtaking my house. I always feel guilty for not going with my husband so i have incentive to work harder.
When he came home he had a interesting story. Seems that a man he met at Fellowship is the head of the local Mounted Sherrif's Division. They are having new classes starting the 9th of NEXT MONTH and was wondering if I would be interested. This has only been something I have wanted to do most of my life. I am scared to death. I am pretty sure my horse is not ready and I am not to sure that I am ready either but be damned if I am not going to try and make it happen.
Fighting my natural tendancy to put things off...I have already contacted him via email to express my interest.
I also put in a job aplication at a Halloween store for help for the season. What could be more fun then a job where I get to dress as the grim reaper and scare women and kids? I so want to get that job. It would be brief...but very very fun.
I have things I am excited about!
I also have all my laundry done, folded, put away and the bedroom is clean. Not the most exciting part of the day but it gave me a good feeling of having done something tangable.
Time to starve. I will not be a fat officer.
Mounted Patrol.......So cool. Only thing is...No pay. Still I wanna.
Time to battle fears big time.
|Subject:||V for Vendetta|
This was a great, if slightly scary movie. It was scarey for two reasons....
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1) It is entirely possible that our own government could get that greedy and nuts. The head of state in the movie often sounds like King Bush. The basic idea was that several high ranked people developed a deadly warfair virus and its cure, then used it on their own people as a fear inpiring tactic. The real trick....these same high ranking officials owned the drug company that would "in the nick of time" produce the cure. It not only assured they have a very strong hold on the office...they also get stinking rich. I can see Bush and his pals coming up with that idea. Of course they might have to remember we are even out here first.
2)As I was leaving the theater, a 20 something young girl said..."I have seen this movie twice now and I JUST DON'T GET IT". That is scarey too. After coversation with others I am seeing that people under 30 just don't seem to get this movie at all. We older folks are so in trouble. Our younger people seem to be blind to what is going on around them. Was I that innocent at 20?
If you want to see how the Bear is progressing, or you have been wondering what I am doing these days, check out this web site.
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Well things are going suddenly interesting in my life. It seems as if my life as a
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artist is going to get very interesting and time consuming for the next two months.
The biggest doings is a city wide project called "Beach Bears" Much like the famed Cows of
Chicago, my town is going to have 35 artisticly painted bears up all over the downtown area.
I submitted several concepts for a Bear and much to my delight, I was accepted as one of
I am now going to have to paint a HUGE bear that is 5 foot tall and 9 foot long. I will be making
him into the "Michigan Wildness Guardian" and he will be covered with all sorts of Michigan flora
and fauna. He will be delivered to me in the next couple days and will have to be finished by mid-April.
I am going to be very busy.
In other artistic news.......Those of you that follow my lomg idle comic Red Lexi
Likely know that I have gotten back to drawing it again.
The story is moving along nicely once more and will be getting
into some rather fun parts soon.
I have not been compleatly happy with my webcomic and that has made it hard to work on.
I have made a promise to myself. If i am not getting over 500 visits a day on my comic by
the end of the year I will end it and start something new. To this end I am doing some
advertising and such.
One of the ad things i am very excited about is the "Biggest Webcomic Loser"
Biggest Webcomic Loser is about webcomic creators getting together to raise
money for UNICEF, the United Nations Children Fund.
I am one of the comic artists taking part.
It is double neat because not only do I get more notice for my comic...but i get a
good reason to diet and much needed support in my desire to lose weight.
If you want to pop over there and offer some support, we Artists and the UNICEFF
kids will be thankful.
|Subject:||Happy New Year!|
First Journal post of the New Year!
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Happy 2006 y'all!!!!!
So this was really some kind of year.What can we expect from a year that started with 1000s of people drowning though?
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It was a bad one for most of the people I know and for the world in general. There was alot of death, job loss, accidents, illness and other randomly mixed forms of pain and unease.
Some of the bad things touched me but aside from the death of my forever dog, Cooper, none of it was direct. Instead I watched other people suffer. That is a mixed blessing at best. I don't have the direct hurts and troubles, and I feel glad over that. But then I feel bad for my friends suffering...and I feel guilty for being glad its not me. You likely can follow the endless circle of guilt and relief that then progresses. Whee.....glad this year is ending. I hope everyone has a way better 2006.
Except for President Bush. I hope his next year continues to suck.
This year has been a massive failing to do much of anything of value on my part. Time past that I will never get back. I notice this more the older I get. Turning 40 was a big deal to me. Life is half over and I don't have much to show for it. No real job. No kids. My only success was the winning of the street art contest and my having a fairly decent marrage. I have got to get some way better time management skills. Starting by getting rid of some time sucking habits.
Mushing. I love it. I think I always will. I think that the time has come for me to quit it though. I have lost nearly all the characters I like to RP with. Either they vanish into RL with out a trace or they get caught up into RPs filled with complexity and Angst levels well past my ability to follow and enjoy. I have only one person that RPs with me regularly and that one poses at such a slow rate of speed that the Ice Age is fast compaired to the time it takes to finish a scene. I suspect that she only plays because I do anyway. My leaving will free her too. All I have to do is find ways to retire my PCs that is closure fir others yet will allow them to return someday if i really want to.
Maybe my comic will fare better if that is the only way my characters can live. (And sims 2.....they all live on my Sims 2 game.)
New years resolutions.
I am not making many. I always make grand plans and go nowhere with them.
This year there are only 4 of them.
Lose Weight. 100 pounds of it. Darn it all....I am tired of breathing hard and having my heart beat faster when I carry laundry up 2 flights of stairs. My horse, my fat dog and I are all going to get in shape this year.
Draw the Comic. Geeze...2 comics a week...how fricking hard can that be? I bet all the time i spent mushing can be channeled into draw time.
Get a job. Any Job. Sling bugers....make tacos. Any grunt labor that will have me. It hurts my pride but if fast food is the only place that will hire me....move over pimply teens, I am here to steal your job.
Create so much art and sell so much art that I can quit the job by next year and make money just by creating.
(I also want to start writing the Red Lexi book (books?).)
Happy New year all.
May all your wishes come true and all your resolutions be easy to fulfill.
I am a outsider by choice, but not really. It is the unpleasentness of system that keeps me out. I would rather be in, in something that is good. That is where my discontent comes from, being forced to choose to stay outside.
The past year or so our house has been needing new shingles. A costly job but one we wanted to get done before the snow falls start coming next month. (I don't even want to think about snow. Ick)
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First I made a few calls to roofing contractors, looking to have someone come out and do an estimate. I called Five companies. 1 came out and that was a good four days after i made the call. He gave an half hearted look at the roof, quoted an insanely high price without even going up on the roof...then left. The others never even got back with me
So after convincing my husband Tom that this is clearly Man's work, he made some calls to roofing contractors. Five calls. Five different contractors showed up with in the next two days. One of them was one of the ones I called but hey, why protest. Yahoo...Progress!
We got a great deal of range on the bids....from a bit cheaper then we expected all the way up to the astronomical range of one lone bid that i got. Knowing we are going to be moving in a few years at most...we went with the least expensive bid. Tom called to except the bid, leaving a message on the company answering machine.
Four days pass.
Tom called again to except the bid, leaving another message on the company answering machine. He requested that they call back and let us know when they would want to get started so we could be here and get things ready.
Five more days pass.
Tom called AGAIN, leaving another message on the company answering machine. He requested that they call back and let us know if they were planning to do the job.
A week passes.
No word from the roofers yet and now Tom is starting to foam at the mouth every time he looks at the roof. I am calmer just because I am used to people never getting back in touch with me. It is a normal part of my life. He on the other hand never gets ignored. So...on his lunch break he calls one last time, telling them if he doesn't hear from them within 24 hours, he will go with another company. Then in a bust of initiative he also calls five more roofing contractors to come out and do estimates. Then back off to work he goes.
An hour later there is a man at the door and a pickup in the driveway. Measuring tape in hand he informs me "I'm here to look at the roof" he says. "Go ahead" says I. He measures, tells me he will drop back by in the morning to show the estimate to my husband. I don't bother even getting annoyed.
Another hour later, another pickup truck, another contractor, tape in hand. "Here to check the roof." I let him. He measures and leaves.
20 minutes later. Another knock. My poor nervous dog thinks the entire world intends to knock on the door and is now barking like a nut from under the bed upstairs. Same story. Pickup tuck. Man on the porch. This one has a note in hand. He is Mexican and his English is spotty at best. "Is this 211?" he asks. I tell him it is. "I am here to see the roof" I nod and l tell him that is fine. Off he goes.
Two minutes later I see a different Mexican fellow pushing a wheelbarrow full of tarps and flat shovels into my back yard. This is not normal estimate giving behavior. "Oh oh......"
Sure enough....the "sort of" hired roofers have arrived. In a matter of minutes tarps are down, A half dozen non English speaking people are swarming my roof, my dog has entirely lost her mind and I am on the phone with Tom.
Our conversation sounded something like this......
"Tom....the roofers are here."
"I know, i am getting more estimates."
"Not those roofers. The one with the bid you accepted. They are starting work."
"Are you shitting me?"
"No. No shit. Hear that banging? A shingle just dropped by the window."
"Did they bring paper work? A Contract? Ask for a down payment?"
"Nothing. They don't speak English."
"It's gets better. Another contractor just pulled up in his pickup to give us an estimate...he looks very confused."
.......... So now it is four days into the project, the new roof is nearly done and it looks very nice. However we have given no money, signed no papers....nor even spoke to a fully English speaking person yet. At least the other contractors have stopped showing up now.
Well been two full days without caffine. No head aches to speak of do far, though I am tired and listless. The slow tapering off I did over the weekend seems to have helped. The task has been made a bit simpler by the CokeaCola company decieding to stop making Diet Vanilla coke in anything but cans. Diet Vanilla was all I drank. Now it seems to not be for sale here at all.
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I loved Diet Vanilla coke but canned soda tastes nasty.
Oh well. I do miss it but I can see how it will help in the diet. Why have chips if you can't have a coke. All my salty snack loves are just no good with juice.
In other news...
I tried out for a job I really wanted and was perfectly skilled for. I worked up a nice resume, got my hair cut and styled to look human for the interview, went the extra mile to be sure that the hiring people knew I was right for the job.
............and not so much as a nibble. Not a call to interview. Heck, I did not even get a "Thank you for the resume" email or anything.
I am bummed.
I really don't know why I allow myself to get excited about things.
October seems to be the month of change.
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Many of my journal friends have started on health trips that I find most admirable. No caffine, exercise. Eating properly. It sounds hard, but very worth while.
They live with or close to each other and I really envy them the support they have in that close knit group. I don't have people like that in my life. The people I live with are wonderful indulgent people who never ask me to do or try anything, be it for fun, profit or for my health. No pressure ever. This is not nearly as wonderful as it might sound.
So I have try to motivate myself. This is not easy because I am mostly lazy and being the one to pressure myself AND have to do the dieting, working, exercise, meal planning ect. is like double duty. I just want someone to have to answer to now and then....so it would matter to someone other then me. Fat chance.
So....i am pressing myself in one thing for starters. Caffine. If i allow myself I can drink two two liters of diet coke a day. No water. No juice. Just diet coke. That is a horrible way to get my daily liquid requirements. I have been tapering off my intake over the past few days and when this last 2 liter is gone....no more diet coke for me.
After that....well.. i have always wanted to try a week long fast.
So Nakomah is moving to a new barn. It is a lovely place that is A HALF HOUR'S drive from my house!
Why I am doing this just when the weather is getting bad? Well for one the place is freaking beautiful. It is a excelent place to be a horse.
They also have trainers and instrutors....and Nakomah and I are in dresperate need of both. They also have 100+miles of ridable trail.
They also have alot of in-barn shows with lots of horse crazy people that might well be interested in me and my pet portrait business.
Hope Hope Hope!
I can live with the drive. Sometime next week is the big horse moving day.
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I am excited.
What a nice weekend I have had. We didn't have go anywhere for the first time in four months. So my husband and I made like hermits, not leaving the house once this whole weekend. We slept in, ate big breakfasts and played video games, napped and snuggled. Just a lazy persons glory of a weekend. If I get any more mellow I will melt.
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I have been noticing things that make me feel delightfully happy at least for brief moments. Things that make me grin myself silly...
This could explain my troubles with weight. I feel very happy when I have a bowl of something very good to eat and can curl up on the sofa alone with that bowl and a big bottle of diet coke to eat without being watched. Might need to change this....but it does make me happy so must be noted.
2) The A-Team
Just popping a A-Team CD into the player and settling in always finds me with a huge grin on my face. I can watch them over and over. I have a crush on the whole team.
3) Tom Sleeping.
Yes. It's mushy but it's just cute. There is something very comforting about being curled against someone you love when they are warm and softly snoring.
4) My Horse coming when called.
To have such a huge lovely creature trust and like me enough to leave his herd and come to me is just a honor.
5) My Cat
My cat is big, blond and Evil. I don't like cats really. He dosen't seem to like people. Yet he loves me and I love him. I have to smile whenever he forces himself onto my lap.
6) Some Unreal People
There are a small handful of Mush characters that just seeing their names on a WHO list makes me smile. Don't even have to interact with them, just happy they exist...in their nonexistant way. Yes....I know it is insane.
7) Hannable Lextor
Yes, highly inteligent, evil fictional characters that eat rude people make me happy. I would LOVE to play a character like this on a mush someday.
I like creating strange things like my recent Grim Reaper Madonna painting. I love to see the work taking shape. I wish I knew why I find it so hard to create consistently.
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| You scored as Zoe Alleyne Washburne. The Soldier. You are the second in command, and that is fine. You like a chain of command, but only when the one in charge has earnt your respect. Those who earn your love or loyalty will find no one better to guard their back. |
Zoe Alleyne Washburne
Capt. Mal Reynolds
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne
Shepherd Derrial Book
Which Serenity character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com
So I have been hearing interesting, and alarming bits of nearly hidden news very recently. It was a few days ago, a once aired and briefly mentioned topic on a TV news report.
It seems that the polar ice cap is melting at an very fast rate.
Scientists from the US space agency say satellite images show the ice cap has gotten a good 30% smaller in the past 30 years. The news story I hear last night commented that at the current rate the whole cap will be gone entirely in under 100 years.
NASA Researchers are worried because global warming speeds up as the ice cap melts. Snow and sea-ice are highly reflective because they are white and so tend to turn the sun's energy back into space, When there is less snow and ice, there is less reflecting going on and thus things warm even more.
Now granted, very few if any of us will still be alive in 100 years but the next 50 or sixty years are not likely to be to great either if the eath continues to get messed up and it sounds highly possible that it will.
The french news artical about this story is here.
This concerns me in several ways. The first is the date on that story. It is two years old. It astounds me that it is not something that was made a big deal two years ago. I think that loseing the polar ice cap is way more dangerous then the insanely big fuss people were having over shark attacks a few years ago. If you want to avoid a shark attack, swim in a pool. However massive weather changes due to global warming will be harder to avoid.
The other alrming thing is that NASA was even letting it be said to the public in the first place. Even if mostly hid. You know the trend towards goverment funded projects is to try and keep dangerous and alarming things as quiet as possible. You nearly always have to read papers from other countrys to find out what is really going on here. For this situation to even get a little press means something.
Not sure what to do about it really, perhaps invest in sunscreen and some very cheep and highly inland property perhaps?
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The future will be interesting.
Money can't buy you happiness so the old saying goes. However I do think it can buy you security and peace of mind. Happiness is a tad easier to get when you have those two items.
My mother and I went to look at some property for sale near by. It was 22 acres and two empty houses in an area I would utterly love to live in. It was a bank repo job and the houses were abando and in pretty bad shape but livable (mostly). Lots of junk scattered about everywhere, heaps of wood, trash and even a couple abandon cars. However the property was just beautiful! One of the biggest trees I ever saw was there. It was so big that three people holding hands would not be able to go all the way around it's trunk.
I always wanted a home where there was a grandfather tree. I would love to own it it just for that tree alone but it really was a beautiful bit of land. My mother and I both want it.
I really wish I could get this place but it needs allot of work. I know realisticly that even with my Mother my husband and I all selling our current houses, we still could not afford to buy it AND get it fixed up to livable and lovely again. The only way it could happen is to win a small lotto or some other unexpected hundred thousand dollar windfall. I'll buy the ticket ...the rest is up to fate.
Meanwhile in the real world where lotto dreams don't happen...we are like so many other people in this Bush War and Hurricane economy....just one disaster away from hard times. Heath care and insurance in the good old USA just sucks. I am thankfully very healthy but my husband has Croanes disease. It is a long time condition that needs an expensive treatment every other month. Now he needs to get new insurance. A nice clause in self insurance coverage is that they do not have to cover any pre existing conditions or the treatments they require. Not for 6 months at least and in some cases, even longer. This man works hard...and he pays allot of money for taxes and for insurance payments. I have to wonder why he has to spend nights worried that if he gets sick because he can't afford a treatment that he needs he could lose everything. Who needs a hurricane when you can just be a little sick.
I don't know if it is just me getting older, but the world seems to be getting more scary every day. I would love to retire off to my land with the nice tree, fix up some houses, train some horses, grow taint free veggies and meat and pay for Tom's treatments any time he needs them.
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Anyone know the winning six numbers for Friday?
Another busy weekend for me. I have a funeral to go to. Another of
Tom's Uncles has passed along and we are going down to detroit to
do the family thing. We did not know him well. It has been a very
death filled year. Friends have lost family. We have lost family.
Even my antique malamute Cooper, who I was thinking might manage
to live forever had to be put to sleep this past month. I think
Cooper was the one death that affected. He was part of my life
for 16 years. I still can't get used to the back yard without his
huge presence in it. I swear I can still hear him bark at night.
Honestly I would rather stay home and DM then go to this funeral.
I have been DMing bit for a couple
friends I mush with. It has been a slow and very frustrating
event up untill this last week, for over two months we could
not get time, or seemingly interest enough to all be on and
posing with some speed. Then suddenly they got interested in the
story and we were off...except we can only play at best 3 hours
a night, a couple nights a week. It is the never ending story.
Speaking of never ending storys.
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I am going to get my comic going again. Monday. Weds. and Friday
starting today. Yep. I promise.
|Subject:||Not a bad day|
I have had a good week. If this is what 40 is going to be like, I might
just like it after all.
The weekend of my birthday was the same weekend as a local art fair that
I always take part in. It is called "Chalk the Block" and involved many
people ranging from scribblers to professional artists useing chalk and
pastels to turn 10x10 chunks of rough cemement street into works of art.
Each artist has to have a sponsor. I was the artist for the Southwest Mich.
Land conservancy. The NWMLC has always had one of the best artists in the fair
drawing for them, but this year she was not able to attend. So to my grerat
surprise and honor the folks in charge of the event chose me to take her place.
They called me "One of the best artists" we have. Talk about an ego boost.
We have to get the sponsor to agree to what we draw. Mine REALLY wanted a song
bird. Birds are not my faverite subject. In fact I have never really drawn one
before. I angled for something else very colorful...they angled for a certain
type of bird. I told them I would do a bluebird...and then just hid from further
contact. Bad me.
So did this huge blue jay. It went better then I imagined and the sponsors loved
it. I had a blast and many people came by to Ooooo and ahhh at my work as it
progressed. As a leo there is little I like better then positive attention
aimed at something I can do. Getting attention for artwork is always a boost
to my creativity level.
Three things stood out over the day. One was a well dressed older man who came and
looked at my finished street art for a good 15 minutes. He just stood there and
looked. He seemed lost in his own thoughts and memories. Then he went and looked
for a good long time at the prints I had for sale. Then he came back and again
looked at the chalk drawing. He gave me a smile, a thumbs up...then walked away.
I would have loved to be able to hear what was in his mind.
The 2end thing was that the owner of a local store came up and offered to let
me start hanging my art for sale in his taxidermy shop. It is an interesting place
Lastly...I won. First place. I never won this competition before! The prize is a
romantic get away weekend compleate with hot tub room, drinks, fine chocolate and
Happy birthday to me. 40 is shaping up just fine.
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|Subject:||Honor thy body|
Just got back in from a funeral. It was for my husband's father's twin brother. He was 59 and died from a massive cancer invasion. He was not someone I knew. I had only met him perhaps three times and then only in passing. Even my husband was not that close to him. So this was not a sad trip for me, just a duty done to honor my father in law.
He had been a military man, and there was firing of rifles at the graveyard. I am not a rabid military fan and all that pro-American "we are the one and the strong" stuff is not my style.Still something about the proud bearing and military pose seems perfect for a funeral. I guess I have enough American Indian in me to feel, by instinct that the dead should be treated with a grim, fierce honor.
Tom (my Husband for those that don't know) told me he might consider donating his body to science. Now this is a worthy cause and I think those that do so are doing a fine thing. However I want to know where my people's bodies are and I want to know they are being treated with honor and respect, not being cut up into lunch meat.
I deam of my gravesite, having a spooky marble tombstone with MIDNITE on it, a place ghost hunters, goths and other interesting, creepy minded people go to have photos taken and tell ghost stories.
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I used to like summer. Since I was a kid has always been my favorite season. Now I am just to damn busy. Every weekend is filled with things to be doing. Most of them things I am not really all that interested in doing either. Just a batch of "Shoulds". I think I like winter better now. My time is more my own. This has made me crabby and less tolerant then normal. The following post is a partial result of that.
If you think this post was written JUST ABOUT YOU....you are wrong. Many people have had this problem with me. Clearly I have a small personality flaw and I truely dislike flaws. So it is just time I do something about. Another self Murder in the cue. A small one, quickly managed.
I am still in the Sociopath mood it seems. I have looked it up. Some of the traits are interestingly close, such as head injury, abusive, poor childhood and a general lack of emotion but I will cover those later. Today the focus is.....
Language can be used without effort by a sociopath to confuse and convince. Captivating confident storytellers, they can spin a web that intrigues others. Since they are persuasive, they have the capacity to use words to destroy or control.
Clearly I have some of those talents. I am finding that one simple comment from me, properly worded can just change someone's whole outlook. While this is handy at times, it can be very annoying if you are not trying to change someone and they change anyway and in some direction that is negitive for all parties involved. Damn free will. Ahh well, one person's humor can be another person's slap and there is nothing that can be done about that.
I have often found myself thinking that I talk to much. Mostly about nothing. Horse stuff, mush stuff. Some creepy death related thing or crime I read or saw on the internet or news. These are things that most people are not interested in. It would behoove me to never miss a chance to shut the hell up. After all, I would hate to turn into my mother. She can chat an hour on what she bought at the grocery store. This one should speak when it is important, and otherwise just listen and perhaps learn.
So for the people who have been offended, damaged, changed, hurt, bruised or what ever other type of psychological damage that can be gotten from a typed comment I have put out on a journal or comic or posting board, i apologise. However as one that is powerful with words, I suggest that you ponder why you allow yourself to be so deeply affected by what other people say or type. Your mind is yours, don't let in what you don't want to own.
Then there are the people that think I hate them because I don't talk to them and then get snippy at me when I do. Those situations are just to complex for me to even bother with any more. If I have not directly told you I dislike you, then either I like you, or I really don't give a rats ass about you in the first place.
There are only perhaps 10 people in the world that I truely care enough about to disturb myself over and they know who they are.
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I took a test.
I am most amused at the results.
You are 67% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 85% Arrogant.
You are the Sociopath! As a result of your cold, calculating
rationality, your introversion (and ability to keep quiet), your
brutality, and your arrogance, you would make a very cunning serial
killer. You care very little for the feelings of others, possibly
because you are not a very emotional person. You are also very
calculating and intelligent, making you a perfect criminal mastermind.
Also, you are a very arrogant person, tending to see yourself as better
than others, providing you a strong ability to perceive others as weak
little animals, thus making it easier to kill them. In short, your
personality defect is the fact that you could easily be a sociopath,
because you are calculating, unemotional, brutal, and arrogant. Please
don't kill me for writing mean things about you!
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The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid
Once upon a time there was a woman. She had never been entirely comfortable with the particular fact of her being of the female gender, but It was her belief that unchangeable truths are not really worth the mind energy required to worry over them. After all they will simply persist in remaining unchangeable.
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All things considered, this woman had a life both remarkable and unique as well as boring and sub-par to normal. This fascinating juxtapositions of contrasts bears further discussion. An only child, she was both treasured and hated in turns. Raised by a hardworking, if rather innocently natured mother, and a highly intelligent, if drug bedeviled psychotic father, she had the chance to experience things beyond the general life experience of most mortals. Her mother adored her, but often was so busy trying to hold life together there simply was not time. The father he was a great and patient teacher when in one mind...and a black shadowed monster when in another. There were the high times. Interestingly many of the best of them involved the presence of the four legged creatures, the long trail rides with her own horse. The thrill of riding in a dog sled pulled by three large, loving pet malamutes. The comfort of a grey cat sleeping beside her childhood pillow, purring away the sounds of fighting. There were terrors too. The smell of gasoline in house the middle of the night. Hiding buried in closet or hayloft while a mad man walked the floors with a rifle in hand, telling you it was safe to come out. Daddy wants a hug.
Daddy went out of her life in the passing of time. So did the horses, the big dogs and all the terror. Like so many other past things in her life, she never dwelled on it overly much. There were new sorts of high points to take their places. She had the wilder times of the teens and twenties to savor, the places where she flirted with fame, professional basketball players and rock stars. None of those glories were ever truly caught, but she came close enough to touch them, to get the taste and scent of what it was like to be someone that people know at first sight.
The not quite reachable light of "almost" fame went out of her life with the passing of time. She replaced it with love. The love of the one boy that even as a child she admitted she would change her vow of life long personal solitude for. The girl shall become a woman and leave behind childish things. Like so many other things in her life, she never dwelled on the things left behind overly much.
Fifteen years went by in the passing of time. There was a bad event or two and a time when she did not think she would make it in marrage but it passed, just another unchangeable thing best not dwelled on. Her life was still not common by any real measure. She did not have a steady job. She had no children. She had a fascination for romance stories involving two men, a expanding collection of photos of dead people, and a growing suspicion that she was not nearly as different from her father as one would have hoped. Even the 'normal' things in her life were on the fringes. Role playing games, horse training, fantasy artwork were the passions she put her time to.....when she could be stirred to put her time to anything at all. The strangness of the things that delighted her did not disturb her, in fact, the dark and creepy side of her nature pleased her. She found insanity fasinating in fiction and in the cobbwebbed corners of her own head. She found more and more that she wanted to indulge it. But how?
She looked about one day and noticed that she no longer even knew the face and form of the person she saw in the mirror. That girl there in the glass had always seemed a little wrong and alien to her but now a stranger was looking back at her with a face she did not know.
Have you ever wondered if you could commit murder. Not murder of another person, that is common place. Any thug with a gun and a brain flopping in his skull like a landed fish can kill another human being. Killing yourself. Now that is the talent of a truely expressive, powerful and intelligent mind.
No. Honestly get your mind off the mortal form of the body again. I am not talking of simple suicide here. Attempt to expand your thoughts past the common mindset.
Can you kill yourself in your mind? Can you collect all the parts and personas that are rude, ugly, fat, whimpering, fearful impractical and foolish and kill them in cold blood? Can you self homicide?
Who will she be when she dies. What new form crawl into the shell of the body like a hermit crab to set up new residence behind the eyes.
Your own inner soul is not an unchangeable truth.